![]() “I had a baby this morning,” I said before continuing with my questions. ![]() I took notes off camera and on mute while shifting uncomfortably in one of the hospital chairs to accommodate my fresh stitches and the ice packs cooling my still bleeding nether regions.ĭuring the workshop, I asked two questions to the presenters, which forced me to come on camera. I pulled out my laptop from the hospital bag I packed, connected to Wi-Fi, and logged on to Zoom wearing a medical gown and disposable maternity underwear. “You really don’t have to do that,” he insisted. I have my laptop to attend the workshop later, too.” It read, “Do you have time to meet at 1 p.m.?” From the hospital bed, I texted back, “Sure.” When we met via video conference, and my colleague realized where I was, he said, “We can do this later. By 10 a.m., I had a request on Slack from a colleague to have a quick meeting. And he also recognized that I tried my hardest to make things easier for him and that I wanted to work together to fix things.My daughter was born at 2:12 a.m. I have never had someone treat me with such kindness and actually recognize that I didn't make that mistake on purpose. " I held it together for the remaining three hours of my shift, but I burst into tears the second I got in the car to go home. And now you've done everything in your power to help fix it. I didn't, and you made an understandable mistake. We're all human, and as your boss, it was my job to make sure you understood what was asked. I went straight to my boss (it could potentially be a costly mistake) and his response was, 'Thank you for letting me know, and thank you for tracking everything down for me.' I kind of pushed to make sure he understood that I fucked up, and he said, 'Yeah, it's OK. I started my current job right about a year ago, and I found a mistake I had made a few months back. In my first two jobs after college, I had managers who did the same thing, so I just assumed I was the fuckup. " I went through this my entire childhood and lived with my parents off and on through college. Lost something? I'm also sloppy and careless. Dropped a glass? I was berated for being sloppy and careless (exact words). Received bad grades? I was grounded until the next report card. "Yep, as a kid, I was never allowed to make mistakes. " A quick lesson from years of therapy: If you don't learn how to respect and honor your emotions by letting them speak in healthy ways internally, then they are bound to morph into pathologies that end up popping out sideways or backward socially." ![]() ![]() My personal theory is that each response mechanism maps onto the big emotions (anger, disgust/fear, sadness, and joy deferred). "I'm also not an expert, just a survivor. įIGHT (RAGE to be safe) Narcissistic (control to connect)įLIGHT (PERFECT to be safe) Obsessive/Compulsive (perfect to connect)įREEZE (HIDE to be safe) Dissociative (no way I'll connect)įAWN (GROVEL to be safe) Codependent (merge to connect)' 'Traumatized children often over-gravitate to one of these response patterns to survive, and as time passes these four modes become elaborated into entrenched defensive structures. "From Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: Not an expert, just a survivor, but from what I understand/experienced, it manifests when a victim can’t get out of an unsafe situation and ends up people-pleasing as an attempt to avoid setting off their abuser or minimize the extent of the abuse." It’s an alternative to fight/flight/freeze. "Yep, if anyone is interested in this, google fawning. ![]()
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